The subject of Boyz II Men’s “I’ll Make Love To You” hears the song for the first time
By Jeremy Hooper
Mom! Dad! Sister Mary Agnes! Pause your Bible study and come quick. That song those boys from school wrote about me is coming on.
Dad, you remembered to ask Meemaw to play it over the speakers at her center, right? She told her whole building the song’s about me. So adorable.
Okay, shhhhh. Here goes nothing.
“Close your eyes, make a wish
And blow out the candlelight”
Oh snap, it’s about my eighteenth birthday! I knew that luau theme was dope.
“For tonight is just your night
We’re gonna celebrate, all thru the night”
All night? The four of them bounced around eight thirty —
“Pour the wine, light the fire”
— and the “wine” was Clearly Canadian. But okay, poetic license or whatever.
“Girl your wish is my command
I submit to your demands”
Funny, I’ve repeatedly demanded the four of them stop their hella lame Beavis impressions, and they never submit. But I digress.
“I will do anything, girl you need only ask”
Ah, they feel bad about not bringing a gift. Hmm, what should I ask for? A choker? A VHS copy of Robin Hood: Men In Tights? Or maybe a —
“I’ll make love to you”
Shit the fuck huh!?
“Like you want me to”
No.
“And I’ll hold you tight”
What is happening?
“Baby all through the night”
I’m not your baby, and which of you is even talking right now?
“I’ll make love to you”
I’m dead. And in hell. I’m dead and this is hell.
“When you want me to”
Nope. I don’t want. Didn’t ask for that.
“And I will not let go
‘Till you tell me to”
Let go. Now. I’m telling you. Leggo right now.
“Girl relax, let’s go slow”
Mom and the nun are praying the rosary while wailing about my soul, my hymen, and me being “a Harding rather than a Kerrigan.” My bad if I’m unable to relax.
“I ain’t got nowhere to go”
Must be nice, ’cause I’m about three quarters of the way underneath this decade-appropriate floral slipcovered loveseat, where I will subside on the crumbs of a Kudos bar.
“I’m just gonna concentrate on you”
And I’m gonna concentrate on this crucifix the nun is waving around my nethers.
“Girl are you ready, it’s gonna be a long night”
Oh, it’s gonna be a long one alright. It will begin, mom has informed me, by tossing me in the bath to see if I float.
“Throw your clothes (Throw your clothes) on the floor (on the floor)”
My privacy’s not enough? You gotta crumple my Delia’s babydoll dress too? Good times.
“I’m gonna take my clothes off too”
Which of you? Seriously, who’s even strip-talking right now?
“I made plans to be with you”
“Plans” are what we’re calling imagined orgies now? ’90s slang is awesome. Not.
“Girl whatever you ask me, you know, I could do”
Okay, so I appreciate the seeking of consent here. I do. But what I’m asking you is to kindly be done with —
“I’ll make love to you”
— this song. But no. The first young men in history who can go two rounds.
“Like you want me to
And I’ll hold you tight”
Annnnnd dad’s drinking again.
“Baby all through the night”
That’s gonna be a fun new chapter for our family. Thanks, boyz.
“I’ll make love to you
When you want me to”
Sister Mary Agnes, please stop the Hail Marys. And the holy water. And the weird winks, making it seem like you actually find this all really hot.
“And I will not let go
‘Till you tell me to”
[::ring, ring::] Hi, Meemaw. Please stop crying. Meemaw…
“Baby tonight is your night
And I will do you right”
Thanks, but I’m thinking of asking OJ to “do me” instead.
“Just make a wish on your night”
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can fly far far away.”
“Anything that you ask
I will give you the love of your life…”
Mom, I don’t need a pregnancy test.
“…your life…”
Dad, you’re in no condition to drive.
“…your l-iiii-iii-iii-iiife”
Sister Mary Agnes, stop singing along.
“I’ll make love to you”
Come to think of it, Sister Mary Agnes, you’ve been singing the whole time.
“Like you want me to”
It’s like you knew the words beforehand.
“And I’ll hold you tight”
Did they teach them to you when you drove them home from the party?
“Baby, all through the night”
Because they were laughing about your “long ride” and how you served them hot soup from your kitchen, and —
“I’ll make love to you”
— OH MY GOD!
“When you want me to”
SISTER MARY AGNES!