A Holiday Shopping Plea From ‘The Person Who Has Everything’
By Jeremy Hooper
Know how many boxes of quirky Japanese erasers I own? Five. I’m not an artist, nor do I have children. But I do have complete sets of little rubber bunnies dressed in frog suits, in case I ever need to awkwardly self-edit my everyday pencilings.
To say nothing of candle ownership. But not just standard vanilla tealights. Oh no. I have twisty taper candles that manage to look out of place in both formal and informal holders. I’ve got candles with obscure scents like “rainy Tuesday” and “cheesecake that was okay, if a little tart.” Oh, what I’d give to feign surprise upon opening a thoughtlessly purchased Yankee Candle. Instead I give genuine confusion when opening a three-wick housed in an old boot that apparently smells like one specific block in Sioux City.
Speaking of confusion: Do you perchance know the use of a medium-sized, chartreuse cylinder that’s molded into the shape of Boomhauer from King Of The Hill and covered in Yayoi Kusama dots? Because I’ve tried to use it as a vase, umbrella stand, and as part of my sexual role playing, but all feel wrong.
Thus is the plight of someone who’s become known for “having everything.” Whereas the rest of you bitches get a box of chocolates or a nice set of lotions, the gift guides insist I harness a…